Where is this going?

Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 at 9:40 pm

I feel totally ashamed for admitting this and embarrassed about it but I have to be honest. I mean I don't know what is wrong with me, I have such a great life compared to many people so why am I so messed up. I hate myself so much sometimes I just want to curl up and die, and yeah I have thought of killing myself, I would never do it but the thoughts are there and that's bad enough. I have all this pain in me and I don't know where it came from. I feel so angry at myself for even thinking this stuff.

I feel totally horrible for saying this but I don't even know what I believe. Do I just believe in God because I my parents are Christians and I went to a Christian School? Sometimes I think trying to follow God just makes everything worse because I feel so guilty for the way I constantly muck up. I feel guilty because as I Christian I should be trusting in God through everything and relying on Him and not trying to battle it out on my own. And if I didn't feel so bad about not following God's will then I wouldn't feel as guilty and then I wouldn't feel as bad about myself.

I don't know this doesn't make any sense, I don't make any sense I am so confused, I don't even know who I am. I've spent my whole life pretending to be someone I'm not, scared of people seeing what I'm really like and somewhere along the way I became a messed up person. All I know for sure is that I'm strange, I mean I must be. Normal people don't spend every minute they are awake obsessing over stupid little things. They don't shove their fingers down their throats and make themselves throw up. They don't not eat for 18 hours because they know that whatever they eat they will want to throw up, I do and I know that throwing up is bad for me which is why I don't want to do it. But it's like an addiction and I can't get away from it. Yeah when I first started doing it I thought it would be an easy way to lose some weight but it's not even as if that worked, I should have stopped when I had the chance. I mucked my metabolism up so much that I know don't even lose weight if I eat barely anything for 3 days. Normal people don't feel good when they haven't eaten or their stomach is empty because they just purged. Normal people don't have recurrent thoughts of being dead. They don't cut themselves with a blade in an attempt to release pain and anger and frustration. They just don't do these things. And I do them all, what kind of a person does that make me.

I can't believe the things I do and think sometimes. What kind of a messed up person would do those things. What is so terrible in that person's life that they feel the way they do and take it out on themselves. I don't know nothing is so terrible about my life, I have a great family, brilliant friends and lovely church and everything I need. Yet I still live in a haze of depressive thoughts and actions, I still battle with myself every single day and wonder if tomorrow I will wake up and things will seem better. I'm so scared, I've heard of people who have died whilst purging, what a way to die, how horrible and alone and humilating, bent over a toilet bowl with vomit all over the place. That could be me if I carry on like this. I don't want that to happen to me. That should be incentive to stop what I'm doing, but it's not. It's as if I shrug it off thinking, oh it happens to other people but not to me, it wouldn't happen to me, I'm too careful. But it's nothing about being careful, the only way to stop the effects of this is to stop purging. I could be half way through throwing up when my heart decides it's had enough and stops beating or my oesophagus is so raw and damaged that it ruptures and I'm dying in agony on the cold bathroom floor, alone until someone comes and finds me. 0 comments so far