This will not defeat me
Monday, Jan. 10, 2005 at 11:42 pm
Hmm well doing the plan thing hasn�t worked over the past couple of days, I guess I got discouraged on Friday cos I didn�t stick to it. I am going to make a plan out for tomorrow and aim to stick to it. I need to do this, I want to do this, it feels weird saying that but I really do want to get better. I can�t live the rest of my life like this and I don�t want to die from bulimia or from diabetes complications caused by bulimia.I was alone at home all morning today which really wasn�t good, I ate stuff that wasn�t gluten free and then purged quite unsuccessfully. I didn�t take my insulin. I felt really sleepy so I took my Lantus and then went to sleep. I didn�t eat any lunch and then I went to see Phil and Helen.
That was really good. He wanted to know how I�m doing and where things are at. We talked for a while and then he and Helen prayed with me. It was really nice to have them both pray with me. They prayed against the negative thought patterns and spoke healing over me and knowledge of my identity in God. They prayed for peace and calmness and for reduction of tension at home. It felt really natural talking to them which was great as I had been worrying about it as last time I spoke to Phil it was in Oxford, Nom was there and Helen wasn�t. Nom was able to fill in when I was stuck with what to say. This time it was just me, but that was good�I have realised that I can talk myself, I don�t need someone there to speak for me. I guess that has been since I started counselling really. At my sessions it is just me and Andrea so there is no other option than to talk to her myself, that has really helped with enabling me to talk to Dr Rees, Chris and Dr Walters as before I always used to have mum with me and I let her do most of the talking.
When I was talking to Phil I said some stuff about my parents, it felt kind of odd saying it as he knows my parents, whereas when I talk to Nom or to Andrea neither of them know my mum and dad. I was talking about how dad is very quiet when we are discussing stuff about my eating disorder and the fact that I have discussed it with dad alone whereas with mum I often talk to her by myself about it all. Because dad is so quiet it�s kind of frustrating cos I don�t know what he is thinking or how he feels. I was also talking about mum having low self esteem and that she had an eating disorder for a little while when I was younger.