Such a freak

Friday, Jan. 14, 2005 at 4:31 pm

Why do I always have to go and muck up? Today was really great, my mum didn't have to go to work until 3pm so we had spent some time together, we went shopping and out for lunch. I had a really good time.

After I dropped her at work I scoffed down 8 crumpets with butter and a chocolate bar. This was just like an an hour and a half after having lunch with mum. Then my brother phoned for a lift so I couldn't purge. I had my Humalog at lunchtime but not this morning, nor my Lantus this morning.

My brother is here now and will be till 7pm. I can't purge whilst he is here and it will be too late by the time he is gone, damn it. I am so stupid, not only will I absorb those calories but I'll probably be really bloated and in pain tomorrow from eating food that isn't gluten free. Oh well I deserve whatever I get.

It should scare me when my bloodsugars are really high, but it's when they are normal that I freak out. That is really messed up. But it's cos when they are normal I know that my body is using the food that I eat and I equate that with weight gain even if I am only eating a little. When they are high although it makes me really ill and I feel like absolute crap I am reassured by the knowledge that glucose is spilling out in my urine. That is so irrational. I can feel my blood sugar climbing higher and higher. My mouth is dry and the familiar dull headache is back. My muscles are starting to ache and I feel so drained and tired. I want to curl up and sleep. Damn it, why I am doing this to myself. I was just talking to mum today about how I was feeling a lot less depressed and we were discussing how noticeable it is when my bloodsugars are more under control. I'm going to see my GP on tuesday to discuss starting on the ED study she told me about. I don't know I am just so mixed up about 'recovery' I know I need it, I'm just not so convinced that I want it or that I can achieve it. 0 comments so far