Rock bottom?

Saturday, Apr. 23, 2005 at 10:51 am

Wasting my life away...that's what I am doing. And I really don't care and that scares me. I have so much work to do, it needs to be completed in 2 weeks and I haven't even started it. I am spending my time sleeping, binge eating, purging, sleeping some more, dragging myself to some lectures, sat at my computer on the internet, binge eating and purging, then the whole cycle repeats again. Day after day, week after week, the weeks turn into months and the months have turned into years.

I wish I had never gone down this road. It's utter hell, pure self destruction. This is not living, this is waiting in limbo, surviving through each day of self inflicted misery.

I need to look ahead, find the motivation to keep moving forward, I just don't know how any more.

I am frustrated with myself, I feel that I am disappointing everyone around me. I'm hurting the people I love, causing everyone to worry and to feel stressed. They are trying to help me but I won't be helped. I feel so guilty for what I am putting people through.

My friends treat me with such love and care, they are amazingly supportive but a lot of them just can't understand. They tell me to eat and to take my insulin, but they don't realise just how tremendously hard that is for me to do.

I keep mucking up all the time, I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and I can start again, but I rarely do, I just continue with the behaviours that temporarily comfort me but at the same time are destroying me and have become my downfall. That is such a paradox...the thing that I cling to for survival is the same thing that is destroying me.

Last night was terrible. I binged before I went to bed and was too exhausted to purge. I woke up at 4am feeling really sick and so dehydrated. I went to my bathroom, performed my little ritual and all that foul food eaten 5hrs previously spilled out of my body in forceful gushes down into the toilet bowl. With it bringing such a sense of relief but at the same time leaving me in a state of desperation and feeling so alone. Shaking and feeling weak I climbed back into bed, gathering the covers around me praying that I would wake up in the morning.

Yesterday Lou asked me if I had hit rock bottom yet, I said that I reached rock bottom this time last year. I am a lot better than I was then, I can't quite believe how much worse I was then, this is more than I can cope with and I can't believe that I survived the way I was 12 months ago.

I guess I need to try and do some work, otherwise this is going to be another wasted year at uni. I need to motivate myself and get it done. 0 comments so far