lack of insulin

Sunday, Apr. 24, 2005 at 4:10 pm

Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I constantly do things that aren't good for me? It doesn't make me feel good about myself. It makes me hate me even more...perhaps that is what I want, maybe I want to hate myself so much that I completely destroy me.

I feel like I am derranged when I talk like that. It isn't fun. I'm scared. Yesterday I almost self harmed, with a kitchen knife. But I stopped myself and binge ate and purged instead. Not sure which is worse.

I went to church this morning but I was half faling asleep the whole way through and had no energy. I caught the bus and walked part way back. It took forever to get back here, every step felt heavy and as if I was being dragged backwards. I felt very unsteady and quite dizzy. My blood pressure is fine but my pulse is 112 when I am just sitting doing nothing.

I feel like I have binged, but in reality I haveb't. I had a bowl of cornflakes with skimmed milk and a banana and then I had a muller light yogurt plus loads of water.

I am going to need to take some insulin at some point, so why don't I just get it over and done with? Who knows what damage I am causing myself, it's terrrible but it's not enough to make me take my insulin. 1 comments so far