I'm horrible

Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 at 9:58 pm

Then we talked for a while, she is so upset, she doesn't know what to do, she wants to help, to make it all better and take away this hellish way of living. But she can't and that hurts her so much, it frustrates her, it even angers her.

She doesn't know what to do to help me and is terrified that I am going to die. And I don't know how to respond because no matter how many times I try to reassure her that I will be okay, I have no proof of that.

Her and my dad have gone away till Sunday so I am at home with my brother. Mum didn't want to leave me, first she said that I had to come with them, I refused so then she said she would stay here. I feel so guilty about that, but my brother managed to persuade her that we would be fine and that there are people around in case anything happened to me.

And now I feel horrible for placing this all him. He is the most amazing brother I could ever ask for. He's 2yrs younger than me but really looks after me. He took me out this evening to choose a DVD to watch, he bought me diet coke and then at home he gently persuaded me to eat dinner and he even cooked for me.

He doesn't quite understand all that is going on but he is very worried about me and scared that I'm not gonna get better. I felt awful because after eating I felt so sick and threw up involuntarily. He was so good to me, checking that I was ok and bringing me a glass of water.

Afterwards I was pretty upset as I was really trying to keep that food down but I was going into DKA. My brother just looked at me with really sad eyes and said 'it's cos you are not taking your insulin Clare'

That really tore me up cos the last thing I wan't to do is cause him major stress and heartache. I asked him to get my bag, cos by then I was struggling to breathe and feeling really weak. He got it for me and I gave him my insulin pens to check the doses I had dialled on them (couldn't really focus enough to read the numbers)
I took my glargine and 10 units of humalog. Just the look on his face was worth it and he said to me that he is really proud of me for taking it.

Aww I just love my family so much and it is horrible that they are suffering cos I'm not well. My parents are both really concerned that I'm not going to cope when I go back to uni and my mum is talking about me going into hospital to try and work on stabilsing my bloodsugars. I really don't know though, there are so many conflicting thoughts firing off in my head and I honestly can't tell which are the rational and which are the irrational ones.

It is so frustrating, I really truely want to get better, I can stay on track for a little while and then each time I completely lose it again and fall back down. It goes in a cycle, I feel a bit more positive in general, then I start eating fairly regularly, then start taking my insulin and keeping my sugars down, then I keep getting hypo symptoms and freak out because it makes me feel so vulnerable and totally out of control as the only way to get rid of those symptoms is to eat more. Because I'm taking my insulin I really don't want to eat more as I am terrified of the weight gain and I already feel 'fat' from gaining back water weight from dehydration. So yeah then I just completely freak out and stop taking my insulin which makes me feel more in control because I don't have the hypo symptoms so can choose when I want to eat and cos of the high sugars I get the inevitable dehydration resulting in the temporary weight loss.

I have the constant 'crap tape' (as Ben calls it!) playing in my mind, on repeat, louder and louder all day long. I need to refocus, get back on track, rely on the strangth that comes from God and not my own pathetic and feeble attempts. I know that God has spoken into my life, and I know he has plans for me that involve me being recovered. I can't spend the rest of my life living like this, there is so much more than this.
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