Confusion

Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 at 10:35 pm

If I'm not a fat, ugly, horrible person why does my mind tell me that I am? If it isn't true, I must be lying to myself, why do I so that? How come I let myself be so decieved? I'm not a guilible person. But on the other hand if I really am as disgusting as I know I am then why do my friends and family lie to me and tell me that I'm not?

I know that I am 'fearfully and wonderfully made'(psalm 139:14). I know that God loves and accepts me, that I am precious in His sight, that He does not condemn me etc etc. But I just can't seem to apply that to myself. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. And also I feel terrible about this but sometimes I think wouldn't it all be easier if I didn't believe in God and hadn't committed my life to Him. Because then I wouldn't be worrying so much about going against His will and I wouldn't feel so bad about having an ED, hating myself, sometimes feeling like I want to die and self injuring and having thoughts about suicide.

I really am a messed up person, but I try so hard to make it seem like I have it all together. Most of my friends have no idea about any of this and if they did they would be thoroughly shocked at me.

I want so much to be free from all of this but I just don't know how to change my mindset. I know that I've already taken a big step by talking to April about this and she has been brilliant in encouraging me and keeping me focused on positive stuff. She's helped me to see that getting free from all of this is a process and is one that will take time. But that at the end of it all I will be a stronger person and I will be able to use my experiences as a testimony of God's faithfullness and will be able to help others in similar situations. The process is just so difficult and painful though and so difficult to understand why I am going through this.

Being at uni is totally different to my home life and I'm still getting used to it. I've been here for 8 weeks, in some ways I can't believe that it's been that long, but in so many ways it feels as if I have been here forever. It's been so strange having to make a totally new group of friends and settle into a new life. I thought of so many ways I could reinvent myself and all the things I could be that I'm not. It was a new oppertunity to change but instead I stuck to being the person I always was in college and throughout school. The quiet one, quite chatty when you get to know her but nervous around lots of people. Someone who doesn't feel comfortable having attention focused on her and shys away when the conversation gets too personal. Someone who is desperate to be open but clams up the moment anyone asks her if she's okay. The person who looks uncomfortable and doesn't really say much, the one who sits in the corner and is obviously veru self conscious. Heh that's me, joy, fun a real bundle of laughs.

Yeah I've made friends, and they're really lovely people. But they only know me as someone happy and content with life. They don't know the real me, the hidden secrets that lie beneath my calm exterior. They don't see my panic and obsession, my dark thoughts and paranoia. And I'm scared to let them see that incase they don't want to know me.

At home I was gradually opening up more and more and feeling more comfortable with the people I was with. Heh that took a long time, I have known most of them practicalyl all my life. But over the past year or two a trust had developed particularly amongst the youth group and that was fantastic. It meant for the first time I had people I could be totally me with, people who I felt I could be open and honest with, people I didn't have to hide my thoughts and feelings from. If I was having a rough time I could tell them I didn't have to keep the fake mask I have got so used to wearing.

I am so looking forward to the end of term so I can spend a couple of weeks at home amongst the people who mean the most to me and who have truely been my lifeline over this year. Without Abbie, April and Dan I dread to think what would have happened to me and what I would have done to myself. I scare myself sometimes. 0 comments so far