Lonely and miserable
Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 at 12:08 pm
Great just great, this sucks. It's stupid to get so wound up about something so small but I'm really fed up. Was just about to go for a walk, post a letter and generally wander around the uni campus. But I just went to step outside and it is absolutely chucking it down with rain. I could go out in the rain but I already have a cough which causes my ribs to hurt when I breathe and I don't want to make it worse by going out in the cold and rain.I haven't seen anyone today and I mean no one at all. I haven't actually spoken to another person since Wednesday evening. I tell everyone it's okay but I hate being in these halls. I mean why do they put one girl by herself amongst a load of guys? And to make matters worse they aren't even English guys. Nice way to make someone feel isolated. I feel so lonely, I have no one. Yes I've made friends with people but they're not in my halls and it's not the same as having someone across the corridor or up the stairs or the next block along. I feel horrible for saying this but I'm so jealous of two of my friends, they both have girls in their apartment and get on ok with them and even better than that they live in blocks opposite each other. Sometimes I wish so much that I was in the same halls as them and not in these ones where I don't know anyone.
I have mixed emotions about it really. A lot of the time I am so thankful that the guys in my apartment don't talk to me much and that we know nothing about each other. The way things are at the moment I could never eat anything and no one would notice. For example, I've been at uni for 8 weeks and in that time I have only seen the person who is in the room next door to me 5 times!! If I lived with a group of people that I got on with then there would be the inevitable questions about my eating habits and I would feel constantly under pressure. It would be so much more awckward.
I'm working tomorrow so at least I will be in contact with people then. I miss home so much. I miss being with people that I trust and love. People that I can have proper conversations with.
Anyway rant about that over.
Why am I hungry? I have eaten so much today and haven't purged, I'm disgusted with myself.
Breakfast: 2 bowls of cereal
Snack: handful of mixed nuts and raisins
Lunch: soup and some grapes
so that's like about 800 cals already today
*sigh*