Oppressive

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 at 11:09 pm

Been talking to Kat today, had a really good conversation with her, she's feeling a lot better today. Discussed most of what I'm about to write with her.

I feel really useless at the moment and like a complete waste of space. I feel really selfish cos i'm always thinking about myself even though it's negetive stuff it's still thinking about me and my worries and how I feel. And it's like I'm so completely wrapped up in myself that life is just going on around me and I don't even notice it. Before I came to uni I was opening up to people and becoming more confident and now I'm back where I was at the beginning, afraid to talk about how I feel and what's happening in my life, pretending to everyone around me that everything is fine, putting on my 'happy' face when all I want to do is scream and cry in frustration. And I'm drawing into myself more, it's stupid I feel so lonely at times and what do I do?...make it worse by staying in my room and not going out, like tonight, I have cell group on a thursday but I didn't go and then one of my friends was going to come round but I told her it would be best if she didn't cos I had been sick and going to have an early night (well it wasn't a complete lie, I was sick but only cos I purged)

I think what am gaining through all this, what have I lost through the past however many years. Am I fighting or am I just letting it all happen, have I already lost what I believe. What is it that's precious to me, what shouldn't I let go of?

Is it sense of control over my life, being confident, losing weight, this whole eating disorder and depressed feelings. Or is it my relationship with God, everything He has given me, following His plan and accepting that my identity is in Him and not in what I do or what I look like. Somewhere along the line I really slipped and mucked up my priorities and I don't know how to get it back.

This has all been part of my life for so long. I can't even remember a time when I like myself or was happy with my weight. I can't remember it suddenly happening or identify a turning point, all I know is that I've always been self conscious, heh I remember being 8 yrs old and sitting poking my fat ;o( Children aren't supposed to worry about that kind of thing, why did I have such a messed up perception of myself at such a young and tender age. It wasn't as if I was actually really fat then, not like I am now. Sure I was bigger than a lot of my friends but I was taller and generally sturdier and well built. Now I'm just fat and have no excuse. 0 comments so far