Fears

Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 at 9:15 am

I'm scared, scared for myself and for Kat. I was talking to her on Tues evening and she's cut herself again, from what I could gather she did a lot of cuts, bad enough to scar but not too deep. I feel like I'm not doing enough to help her, I feel so pathetic and I feel like a failure. We'd had loads of conversations about Christianity and what I believe and stuff and it really seemed like she was interested and getting somewhere with it all. And then all this stuff happened with her at home and then nothing made sense anymore. We're so much closer than we were before and tell each other almost everything now but in a way I feel that it's my fault that she's no longer really persuing Christianity. She knows what's happening with me and probably thinks that it'll make no difference to her whether she has a relationship with God or not. Because it's not making much difference in the way I feel at the moment.

I think I'm going to have to eat dinner tonight. I ate nothing last night or the night before and both nights my blood sugar went low in the middle of the night and I ended up having to eat. I'm so mad at myself for eating in the night, usually when my blood sugar is low I'll have some dextrose and wait to see if that sends it up again. But in the night I wake up all disorientated and shakey, I stumble around for a bit and then go to the kitchen and get food. It's scary how uncontrolled I am when it's low in the night. Last night I had a few sips of apple juice, a couple of spoons of jam, some prunes and a satsuma. The night before I had some lucozade, a banana and a satsuma.

My life is crumbling apart before my eyes and I'm not doing anything to stop it. I'm not opening up to people here and am drawing into myself more and more. I feel nervous and frightened whenever conversations begin to take on a serious or personal note and am scared of letting people know how I feel. Before I came here I felt like I was really getting somewhere, I felt confident in the group I was in and more comfortable to give my opinion etc. Now I'm back to where I was earlier this year in that I'd rather sit in the corner listening to everything going on and not input into the conversation. When I visited home it was so great to be home but at the same time it felt so different. I was with April and Abbie, two of the people I'm most open with and I could hardly bring myself to talk, we prayed together and I couldn't even bring myself to pray. I felt so awckward and out of place. I'm scared that I won't feel at home there or here and then I'll have nowhere and no one who I can be totally real and me with. 0 comments so far