A Letter
Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 at 11:20 pm
Hmm just thought I'd put this in my diary, a letter to 'Bulimia' that I wrote. I got the idea from a Christian Message Board.................................................................................
Mia,
I'm writing to tell you that I am sick of all the pain you have put me through, all the torment you've caused me. I've had it with you and I now see you for what you really are. Lying, scheming, manipulating and depressing yet strangely addicting and falsely comforting.
When I first became aware of you I had no idea what I was exposing myself to. No idea of how far you would drag me down, how you would break me on the way and the agony you would put me through. The way you would change me, isolate me, strip away any remaining confidence replacing it with fear, shame and self loathing. The ability you have to make me feel completely and utterly alone, empty and shallow.
You've taken away so much from me and I didn't see the warning signs. Oh I was so naive, I never thought you would hurt me like this. I believed that you were the answer to my problems and with you to help me I would soon be free. I believed that I was in control and could walk away whenever I waned to but pretty quickly I began to realise that wasn't the case. By then it was too late. You were so convincing, I believed every word that you said. I even believed you when you told me that it wasn't a problem and that I shouldn't tell anyone. By then I was too scared to disobey you so I just blindly followed and remained silent. Now I know that I should have spoken up sooner, if I had I doubt I would have fallen as deep into it as I have, I wouldn't be trapped like this and you wouldn't have taken so much of me.
You invaded every part of me and made me too ashamed to even praise my Creator the one who loves me more than I can ever imagine or deserve. That just added to my sense of isolation because then I wasn't even communicating with the very person who sustains me and gives me a purpose for living. The person who comforts me, gives me strength and never ever leaves me. Where once I was so sure of what I believed you caused me to doubt God, I felt far too ashamed to talk to God...why would He want to hear from me...then I found it hard to read my Bible. The less I read my Bible the more I believed what you told me and the less I believed the truths that I had been taught since I was a little child. The more I believed you the further I felt from God and the more I hated myself.
When I entered my 'relationship' with you, it was initially a good idea and the answer to everything. I could eat, therefore people wouldn't go on at me for not eating, then I could throw up and therefore I would lose weight. It seemed to be a good plan. That quickly escalated out of control. All day everyday I think about how fat I am and how much I hate myself, how everything will be better if I could just lose weight. I wouldn't be depressed, I would be confident, I could go out without feeling ashamed of myself, I wouldn't be embarrased to be around other people. I'm scared of eating anything, obsess over every single calorie and when I do eat I'm thinking about purging. You've taken over my life, entered every little part and I'm not gonna put up with that.
You disgust me, you sneakily enter a person's life and then turn their world upside down, countless people fall for your charm and don't see through your decietfulness. I want to put a stop to that. I'm going to fight you with everything I can.
You don't have control of me, you can't dictate my future, only God can do that. He has a purpose for me and nothing you can do will prevent me from fulfilling that. Yes it's a struggle, yes it's painful and it hurts but I will beat you, I will get to that point where you have no say in my life whatsoever. It may not be for a while yet, but you know what? I don't care, I know that God is in control of this situation, He is working in me and I won't try and do it myself because I know I can't. I can only do this with God's strength. And allow I'm weak, God is stronger than you and He will get me through this.
A lot of your power comes from the secrecy. But I've broken that and there's nothing you can do about that now. Yes I have 'told'. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. But you know what the person I told didn't hate me for it, she didn't abandon me and think I was disgusting. She took me in her arms, she comforted me and told me that it will all be okay. That she's there for me to talk to and that God is in control. Even though I may not know what's happening and don't understand why it takes so long. God knows, His timing is perfect and this is a process.
And something else I want to tell you. As well as fighting you out of my own life I'm going to warn others about you. When I am healed (yes WHEN not IF, it WILL happen I trust that God will bring me through this) I will have an advantage. I will have been through it all and come out the other side without being beaten by you. I know all your tricks and everything you do to try and conceal your identity. And I can use that to help other people. So in the end you'll be the one who has losat out. I can use this experience for good! This will be my testimony of God's great love and faithfullness. How even when I went against His will and abused my body so much He still looked at me tenderly and was waiting for me to look back at Him and say "Daddy I need you, I cannot do this alone, please take me in your arms and give me strength"
The battle is not over yet, I am still deeply affected by what you are doing to me. But there is a difference now, instead of isolation and fear I have people praying for me and supporting me. I know I don't have to stay silent and fight you on my own. I know that God wants to get me out of this and I know that for it to happen I need to surrender totally and completely to God. I cannot say that I am completely surrendered yet (that would be lying) but I'm on my way. And when I am surrendered you will have no place in my life and the place that was filled by you will be filled with God who really does love me and want the best for me.
I'm hurting and in pain and this isn't easy but I know that God is with me and will never leave me. He is totally faithful and true, He's everything that you are not and that you will never be.
I will leave this here, I'm sure that as this is all worked out you will hear from me again, and finally one day I will be able to write to you knowing that it will be the last time I deal with you.
From someone who has seen the truth.