More musings from me
Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 at 10:57 pm
It was so fantastic to have Abbie come here yesterday, we chatted for ages and had some really good conversations. I always feel so happy and uplifted after spending time with her and it was just brilliant to be able to talk properly with each other.I still haven't told her about my eating problems but I am beginning to think that it isn't necessarily a good thing to tell her. I have felt so guilty for not telling her because she is one of my best friends but actually I think it is better that I don't tell her this. She is younger than me and I know that she is insecure about herself. I'm not saying that she would start doing it but she did tell me and April once that she had tried to make herself throw up so it's likely that she would be more vulnerable.
We had the best conversation about love!! We talked about what love is and what it means to us and the different types of love. And how societies view of love is so screwed up. It was such a brilliant conversation!!
I am going to the Bible Study group at St Ebbes on Thursday. It kind of feels like I'm abandoning Oxford Community Church but I just don't feel settled in that cell group. I know a lot of it is because of my food issues and that seems like such a stupid reason but it makes a big difference to me. And I can't cope with feeling that self conscious and paranoid every single time I go to cell. And also I feel like I am kind of floundering at the moment, I don't think I've grown at all as a Christian since I came to uni 2 months ago, and that is a long time without growth. If anything I have got worse and further away from God. I need to get back on track and spend more time focusing on building my relationship with Him. If I'm not right with God I can't expect anything to improve or to feel better about it all.
I'm having such conflicting thoughts at the moment. I want to get better but I'm so scared of what that means and the implications. I want to prove to myself that I can lose weight. I want to prove it to other people as well and I feel so shallow and selfish for even thinking that. I'm so messed up. But I'm going home for Christmas in three weeks hopefully and I'm desperate to have lost a noticeable amount of weight by then. And then over the Christmas period before I come back to uni I want to lose weight so that I know I can do it. 0 comments so far