Where I'm At

Saturday, Jan. 17, 2004 at 10:12 pm

I am shocked at the thoughts I have been having. I know full well the dangers of diabetes combined with an eating disorder. And so far I haven't had any real problems but recently I have been so tempted to eat and not take my insulin. It's such a stupid thing to do but I know that it will give me the weight loss that I am so desperate for. At the moment I only don't take my insulin when I'm not eating. Otherwise I would be hypo all tyhe time which is no fun. I know how dreadful I feel when I have high sugars and I rationally I know it's not worth it but I'm still very tempted. Also if I did start doing that it would become obvious to my diabetes team that something wasn't right. I've always had fairly well controlled blood sugars despite my eating disorder due to manipulating my insulin to ensure good results. But they don't know that, they think that I am a 'good' diabetic and do all the things I am supposed to. But I'm definately not, I skip meals, I skip injections, I eat stuff I shouldn't, I purge, I increase my insulin if I feel my bloodsugar rising.

I've hardly eaten anything for the past couple of days. I really want to get out of the cycle of purging but I tell myself that if I eat I have to purge. So no purging equals no eating unless I absolutely have to due to my blood sugars going low.

I just know that I am going to give in soon though...on wednesday I bought some jam doughnuts and a loaf of bread and b/p'd them. For goodness sake what am I doing to myself...I'm practically asking for bowel cancer, osteoporosis, etc. I know I purged them but some of it must have got into my system...all the years I haven't eaten anything with gluten in it and then I randomly think what the heck I'm gonna purge it anyway so I may as well eat foods I'm allergic to. Hope they don't want to check up on how my Coeliac's is doing any time soon cos they would get a nasty surprise.

I feel so isolated and lonely and that has been made even worse by what happened yesterday. I got a text message from Becky telling me that she didn't think it would be a good idea for us to share a house next year but that she was still going to share with **** and ******. I mean thanks...it's great for my self esteem knowing that people who I thought were my friends don't want me to live with them.

I was glad to come back to uni cos my time at home was so stressful. Me and mum jsut kept arguing. I feel so guilty for all the pain and worry I'm causing her but that doesn't mean I can just stop this and she doesn't seem to understand that. But coming back to uni isn't really that great either. I feel so alone here. I spend most of my time on my own, sitting at the computer, reading or dwelling in the sea of misery I'm in. 0 comments so far