What have I done?

Sunday, Jan. 18, 2004 at 9:28 am

I guess I'll start with the lonliness, it's so heartbreakingly lonely spending my time stuck in a cycle of self destruction. The way I am scared to form close friendships because I don't want to lie to people I care about. I want to protect them from knowing the truth about me because they wouldn't understand and would just worry about me.

The lies and deciet that overwhelm me with guilt. The distance I feel from some of my closest friends because I am too ashamed and scared to talk to them about this part of me. The hurt I've caused my mum, the way she looks at me, her eyes weary from pain and worry about me. It's agonising when she looks at me like that she looks so tired and has no words left to say. I've unitentionally pushed her away, have made her feel like she's done something terribly wrong as she has brought me up and she feels like she has failed as a mum because I her daughter am not happy. If it was just my pain I wouldn't care but the fact that my mum is suffering because of me is just too much.

The way I am missing out on so much because of my insane and irrational thoughts. No matter how many times I promise myself that I will stop I never maintain it. I hate failure, what I am striving for is impossible and something I'll never achieve. That means I am failing every day.

I hate the way that this has taken over my life. There's not a day when I am free of these thoughts. I can't imagine what it would be like to have just one day without them.

Somewhere in all of this I have lost the person that God made me to be. I've battled this for so long that I lost sight of her long ago and I have no idea of where or how to find her again. Even if I did find her I'm no longer sure that I would recognise her because she is so different from the person I have become. 0 comments so far