I must be insane
Wednesday, Jan. 21, 2004 at 10:27 pm
What am I doing to myself. I can't believe I am actually doing this. I always promised myself that I wouldn't. Adjusting my insulin to suit what I'm eating is one thing...in fact it's more sensible as it ensures that my bloodsugars don't swing around too much. But not taking any insulin that's just stupidly crazy and practically begging for trouble.I haven't taken any of my daytime insulin today, I still have a kind of basal rate in my system from last nights insulin so my sugars aren't too high cos I haven't eaten much today. But as much as any remaining shreds of sensibility tell me I'm being stupid I'm actually considering not taking my night insulin.
I'm an absolute idiot, I know what will happen if I don't take my insulin, I know all the dangers and all the horrible things that will happen to me. If I do this my diabetes team will realise that I have an eating disorder and then it will all be taken out of my control. At the moment they are blissfully unaware, if only they knew all the stuff I really did, they would send me to all sorts of therapists, nutritionists, counsellors etc.
Why am I gambling with my health so much. If I get seriously into this it could ruin my health for my whole life, these complications that could occur are irreversible. And at the end of the day what is the point of thinness if everything else about me is completely ruined and all I can do is lay in bed all day, blind, crippled by amputation and hooked up to dialysis.
I'm even further in than I was 3 months ago. It's a slippery slope downwards and no matter how hard I try to scramble up the side there is no railing or rope to help me up and I just end up falling and sliding down further.
I can't believe how innocently this ED started. Five years ago or so when I started skipping the odd meal here and there and writing in a little book charts of what I ate and when. A year later when I began leaving the house without breakfast and throwing my lunch away when I got to school, I had a notebook full of pictures, I guess that was my 'thinspiration' even though I hadn't come across 'pro ana' at that point. 2yrs 10 months ago that I first used 'diet pills' and 2yrs 6 months since I first attempted to purge, a month later I had my first 'successful' purge...I was so scared but so elated at the same time, I also promised myself that I wouldn't keep on doing it, it was a one off (yeah right, how naive was I).
Heh. Yeah it kind of went from there really. 0 comments so far