Contradiction

Thursday, Feb. 05, 2004 at 9:53 pm

I'm sitting here listening to praise and worship songs and browsing TF at the same time. I find myself doing that more and more often. The reason it's a contradiction is that my ED and stuff is what comes between me and God. He wants all of me, my thoughts, my life, my dedication but instead I dedicate so much attention and time to totally worthless stuff that is only going to destroy me. Wht chose that when if I chose God I will have life.

I haven't taken any insulin since Tuesday night. I have eaten so much today. I feel disgusting and ashamed of myself, even more so than usual. I can't believe that I actually started doing this I promised myself for so long that I wouldn't mess around with my insulin like this. I am a complete and utter hypocrit and mess.

As well as eating loads I have also drank and peed an immense amount as well, I expect I shall be up all night peeing as well.

I've attempted to do some work this evening but I can't concentrate, also I am so tired, even typing is exhausting. The tiredness is most likely due to the fact that I've been eating stuff that isn't Gluten Free. I causing such havoc in my body.

I feel so guilty. How can I even call myself a Christian? My body is a 'temple of God' and look at how I'm treating it.

Arg this song...'The heart of worship'

The lyrics of this song make me want to curl up and cry. It's all about God, it's not about me, He's looking right into me heart. That's scary. He knows...everything...He's watching me right now, typing this, He's everywhere, He's reading my mind. That used to comfort me...that God knew everything before I even said or did anything but now it's bad...He sees me hating myself, He sees me abusing my insulin, He sees me starving, He sees me stuffing my face, He sees me purging, He sees me crying with the blade in my hand, He sees me tossing and turning in bed at night as I contemplate ending it all.

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