More frustration

Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004 at 9:39 pm

I haven't taken any insulin and have thrown up everything I have eaten today. I have a feeling that I will probably throw up involuntarily in a little while unless I take some insulin. And I am desperately fighting it...I should take insulin because of what this is doing to me but then if I take insulin the numbers on my scale will most likely be up in the morning and then all this will have been for nothing.

I have drunk literally gallons today. The empty diet coke cans lined up on my desk in addition to countless cups and bottles of water I've consumed. The thirst is unquenchable so I drink easily a couple of litres at a time but that makes me bloated and uncomfortably full, so i feel sick and rush to the bathroom shoving my fingers down my throat in a desperate attempt to get rid of the horrible feeling of fullness. Even though I know that the fullness contains no calories i can't bear being bloated and uncomfortable.

My tongue is coated in a thick glucose filled substance and sticks to the roof of my mouth the moment my mouth starts to get dry.

I have a constant, pounding headache. The muscles in my legs hurt and I feel so physically exhausted. At night I wake up every hour or so and sometimes more frequently to drink or go to the toilet. The broken sleep makes me even more exhausted than I already am.

I can't concentrate on anything. I feel so guilty, even in church I cannot focus. This morning as I was singing praise to God I my mind wasn't focused on Him, it was focused on making sure that my arms were in a position that would cover the bulging of my stomach. At my other church this evening I wasn't concentrating on the sermon, I was thinking about how fat my hands look and was transfixed by the really skinny person sat infront of me slightly to my right.

*sigh* what am I doing? Now instead of enjoying myself and having fun with the other students I am sat here in my room. They have all gone to John's house for pizza and puddings. However I couldn't face the inevitable interrogation if I went and didn't eat anything. Arrgh it's so frustrating...everything studenty seems to involve food and drives me insane. No wonder I'm finding it hard to settle and make friends...I avoid half of the social events because there's only so much attention to my eating habits that I can cope with. 0 comments so far