(6th Jan 2005)

Monday, Jan. 10, 2005 at 11:40 pm

Chris came round this morning to take my bloods, he asked me to bring a urine sample to clinic with me on the 17th. They have never asked me to do that before so I guess they are concerned about potential kidney problems. He asked me why I am skipping my insulin and I really didn�t know how to answer him. It is so complicated; I don�t exactly know why I am doing it anyway. I always promised myself that that I wouldn�t do it but then I was so desperate to lose weight that I began missing my insulin and found it made me lose weight rapidly. Now I am not really losing weight and skipping insulin has no positive results. It is making me really ill and I know I can�t continue in this destructive way for much longer.

I took both my morning injections and had a banana for breakfast. My bloodsugar was 15.7 this morning, after Chris had gone I felt really low so tested again and it was 5.3. I guess my body is so used to it being really high that a normal level feels like a hypo. I felt so dizzy, weak, shaky and hungry�haven�t had the symptoms of a hypo for months.

I�m pretty sure that the anti depressants that I am on are working. I definitely don�t feel as continually depressed as I was feeling whilst on the other medication and before I started on any. Suddenly I see the point in trying hard to recover; there is a reason to get better. I�m not 100% convinced that I want to beat this at the moment but I am certainly surer than I was before Christmas. It sounds bizarre not wanting to get better from such a horribly destructive disorder and I probably need to explain it. The eating disorder and depression have been a major part of my life for such a long time, basically for all of my �teenage� years. Somewhere, somehow I lost my true identity and worth, along the way I forgot who I am supposed to be and am confused about who I really am. Whilst the ED and depression don�t make me who I am they do make up a big part of me and I guess part of me is scared that if I recover from them there will be nothing left of me. For such a long time the ED in particular has defined what I do and how I think and I can�t imagine what it will be like to be free from it. Although I can�t imagine being free from it I also know that I can�t go on living the rest of my life like this. Because if I remain as I am at the moment either my life won�t be very long or I will die a slow and painful death from diabetes complications, and I don�t want either of those to happen.
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