The past few weeks
Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 at 5:57 am
Ah so much has happened since the last time I wrote that I don't quite know where to begin....My concerns about slipping straight back into stuff were right...I'd been back for two days and went straight back to the self destruction that is gonna kill me if I don't sort it out soon. I self harmed, missed injections and binged and purged. It's times like that that I think I should just give in and admit myself to hospital, I would be under 24hr supervision so wouldn't be able to engage in this stuff.
This ED is way out of hand... at 8 years old I thought I was fat and constantly compared myself to my friends, by the time I was 12 I was entering mu obsession with calories and fat and invented lots of bizarre rules that I had to follow. At 16 I was alternating between binge/purging and restricting and was dabbling with various diet pills. Now at almost 20 I am engaging in all of those behaviours plus more apart from the pills, I'm in therapy and lots of my friends and family are scared that I am gonna drop dead.
Got a bit side tracked there....After being back for a couple of days I went on my church student weekend away. It was absolutely amazing. I went vaguely hoping that God might do something in me and he totally exceeded all my expectations. Alot of stuff to do with surrendering my fears and insecurities was addressed. I met with God in a way that I have never experienced before and it totally blew me away!!
The weekend away gave me such a renewed hope and motivation to get well. I began making a plan for the week and set myself goals to achieve. I was happy and smiling for the first time in ages. Like a huge weight had been lifted.
The following week came the tripping up and falling, that's where I am at the moment. Each time I start to fall the distance to fall the next time I slip increases. And I am falling a hell of a long way at the moment.
I'm engaging in all those destructive behaviours including cutting and I'm really not sleeping well at all. I have had five hours of broken sleep tonight and the night before I only slept for two. I am so shattered and I have a cough as well so that isn't helping.
I'm spiralling down and outof control...was there ever any control in the first place? I thought I was in control once apon a time but maybe that was all just part of the elaborate lie and an attempt to kid myself into thinking that I was ok.
I feel so stuoid...God has clearly been working in me...so why these doubts? Everything that happened over the weekend away totally confirmed that God is with me and working in me, but as soon as I start struggling again I start questionning. It's like I forget everything that I know and have experienced.
I can't trust myself so why do I keep liiking to myself for answers rather than leaning on God? He is the only one who can reshape me and out all the pieces back together. It's no use depending on myself cos my judgement is clouded and I don't know which way to turn. I just turn the wrong way and go further down that dark tunnel. When I rely on God I see light at the end of the tunnel and I don't feel so desperate.
Stuff with 'the ben boy' (as Gordy calls him, lol) isn't helping either. I really can't be bothered to go into it at the moment, maybe I will write about it when I am not feeling so rubbish about the whole situation! 0 comments so far