Life, death and survival
Monday, May. 02, 2005 at 8:52 am
I went home this weekend to find my mum even more stressed and worried. She told me she is terrified that I am going to die, she can't sleep at night and has nightmares. She is waiting for the day that she gets a phonecall saying that I have been found dead.This increase in worry is because someone that we knew died this week. She was 28 and had four children, she had diabetes and for years she misused her insulin and ended up with heart problems. And now she is dead.
I am really shocked. But it isn't enough to make me stop the self abuse that I am continually imposing on myself. This should be a reality check, a wake up call. But instead I tell myself that I am not her and it won't happen to me. Naive or just plain stupid?
I know I am seriously screwing myself up. The effects of not taking my insulin are more severe than they used to be, my body is tired of fighting and is running out of resources. I live in a constant state of tiredness with very little energy. It has become normal for me to have a pounding headache, aching muscles, an incredible thirst and no energy to do anything.
This is not living, this is survivng. God has so much more planned for my life than for me to be destroying myself bit by bit. I want to live in the freedom that he has for me but I keep tripping, falling behind, spiralling downwards and giving up. 0 comments so far