f e a r f u l

Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2005 at 10:07 pm

Today has been a good day, in the sense that I have taken my insulin and pretty much followed my meal plan. I should be pleased with myself, that is an incredible achievement. But instead I am overwhelmed by an inexplicable fear, an overwhelming 'fat' feeling, (yes i know fat isn't really a feeling), a lack of control and disappointment that i'm not congratulating myself.

In therapy yesterday we went through the reasons for and implications of recovering/not recovering in the short/long term.
I know that recovery is the only option. I want to get better but I am caught in a cycle. I get a couple of steps forward, freak out then crash back down again, never completing the process, just going over and over the same little bit.

When I talk to Ben on the phone I hear the worry and the fear in his voive and I feel so guilty. It's even worse than the guilt that I feel for causing mum and dad to worry. This is the guy I love and it is so painful to tell him the truth because I know that the ugly thorns will pierce his heart too. I love him, I don't want to be causing him worry and grief. I can't wait till Friday, we get to see each other after 2 months of being apart, I've been waiting for that moment ever since he went away earlier in the summer. I am also scared though. We will have both changed over the summer, what if things don't go to plan and we realise that we are not made to be together. I really couldn't cope with that. It's just horrible to think about. 0 comments so far